Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Hey scientists, doctors and other smart people - let me get this straight (no pun intended):

You can get a man on the moon, open up a chest to repair a beating heart, remove an ovary from a female body, fertilize it and implant it back into the uterus so a human being can grow . . .


I do not understand this.  How hard can it be?  You seriously can't create a formula that will keep a 95 degree day, under 87% humidity, from turning someone with otherwise healthy looking, smooth hair into one of the muppets on crack?  I don't believe it.  Are you just too good for anti-frizz?

Well, consider the damage we frizz freaks are doing to our communities. I mean honestly, I think nasty, moisture soaked curls all over my head today were actually interfering with satellite signals and possibly causing accidents.  That's right - accidents.  Over the course of the day I, no joke, had to pull over for 2 ambulances and 3 police vehicles and that is no lie.  Surely this was caused by frizz interference because a head of hair this out of control has to have an impact.

Oh, let me guess, you CAN'T BE BOTHERED!


Top 5 Awful Things I'd Rather Have Than Frizz:
1.  diarrhea
2.  temporary blindness
3.  a hangover
4.  10 stubbed toes
5.  taxes

Friday, May 27, 2011

God's Facebook Page

Lord God
Ruler of the Universe * Lives in Heaven * From Heaven *
Married to Mary * Born on BC 00, 0000  *  Likes: Big Bangs

Lord God
Ran into Satan again today . . . total asshole.
2 billion years ago     
I hear ya LG.  Life is a mystery.  Everyone must stand alone. 

Reverend Al Sharpton
You ain't kiddin' man. He hasn't changed from way back - growin up in the ghetto 2gether.

Lord God
Movin' to a new cloud, can't wait.
2.5 billion years ago     

Ooooh, we might be neighbors.  Ho Ho Ho.

Lord God
Long day causing earthquakes and tsunamis, headin to bed, don' forget to say your prayers.
                          3 billion years ago     

Jeannette Evans Maloy
Can't be bothered!
Satan likes this

Lord God's Photos
The Last Supper / Hangin' With The Apostles / Water Into Wine / Baby Jesus's 1st Christmas / The Resurrection / Random Moses Pics / Manger Stuff / Unanswered Prayers

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Follow the Rules!

Seriously, if we stop to think about it, SOME parts of life are really NOT that hard.  Others are very hard, yes, but the parts that come with the rule book no . . . not so hard.  If we are unsure which parts are in the rule book, below is an abridged version I found, but if you are like me you will realize - you already know 'em don't you?  So, lets just make all of our lives a lot easier - and follow them!

Abridged Version, In No Particular Order:

Rule #1  Pay your damn bills (real rule book does not swear) and anything else you owe - FIRST.  Well, I guess that does mean we need a 4th grade math education because we have to add up all our expenses and subtract it from what we make . . . again - not that hard.  Where this gets hard I guess (besides unemployment, bad economy, etc.)  is that this beautiful life has so much to offer and lots of other people have it and we might want it too and so yes, it can really suck to have to witness that and not be able to or know how to have the same.  For example, I sometimes regret being a teacher in a VW Jetta instead of a gazillionaire in my own private JETta.  Oh well.  Get a good therapist and get over it or figure out how to have what they have too.

Rule #2  If you are a liar, stop lying.  Don't lie to yourself and don't lie to others. To lie is to cheat and cheating is not following the rules. On the other hand, if you are like me and have sometimes believed there was no elephant in the room and never had been an elephant in the room, even when elephant shit was all over the floor - take a deep breath and get the hell out of there!

Rule #3  Eat right and exercise, then accept the body you have.  This isn't easy, but it isn't that hard (the eat right/exercise part) either so its sort of heartbreaking when we don't do it.  If a girl with one leg can run a marathon then we can take a few walks every week and eat more apples than we do chips.  Your body isn't a temple or anything (that's kind of weird), but it is pretty important.  Take care of it . . .  and when you get down because it still isn't perfect - try watching a guy who was born without arms and legs tell a room full of teenagers how much he loves life.

Rule #4   We must not make babies if we can't afford them or have no idea how to also make . . . a DECENT HUMAN BEING & CITIZEN!  Enough said.

Rule #5   Floss.

It's possible this list is not complete and there are more basic "Life is not so Hard Rules."  Post 'em here if you think so, 'cause I can't be bothered.

Certainly there is a Part II, about all the things that make life really hard.  Nonetheless,

"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste and remember . . . even with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world." - Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

Monday, May 9, 2011


You know my post on May 1st titled "Fat Chance?"  Well, I think I have to retract it.  That's right, its possible that I will have to allow the government to regulate, among other food related issues, where fast food restaurants can advertise and conduct business.  Ya know why?  Because I found myself making this statement over the weekend:

"The government should regulate the ability to have babies.  You should have to show proof of being fit and if you're not - they sterilize you!  Oh, and one strike you're out too.  If you seemed fit but then you abused your child, no more soup for you!"

That's right I said it, and it wasn't the first time either.  Its just the first time I declared support for government regulations so soon after throwing a fit over them and namely, the fact that Americans are constantly dodging personal responsibility and this fast food issue is one more symptom of a much larger problem.  Oh, so let me get this straight.  I want the government to leave our food alone and let us take responsibility for our own fat asses, but I'm in favor of policy makers determining eligibility to procreate and then zapping testicles and ovaries with pesticides if we are proven unfit? 

Uh, yes, I mean no.  Yes.

So, here's the thing: Can you be in favor of government regulation and/or a lack of individual choice/responsibility in one area (IE: sterilization) and opposed to it in another (IE: fast food)?  I don't know if you can, but I hope so.  Otherwise, it seems like I make contradictions and I need to rethink my political and social views.

FYI: I was rethinking the fast food regulation even before the above statement about parenting, but this just compounded it.  Oh and let me tell you some of the conversations I had and news I've listened to in the last week+ that cause such a bold statement as sterilization, which is only half a joke. 

A 2 year old child was made to walk with a backpack filled with twice his weight as punishment for something I didn't catch, and when he fell - was kicked repeatedly.

A 3 year old was placed in a bathtub filled with scalding water because she messed her pants and now has whatever degree burns are the worst - on 40% of her body.

Cigarette burns on a child's feet . . .

I had more but I am going to stop here because my stomach and my heart can't write anymore words like these, which should be enough anyway.  There are worse atrocities done to children at the hands of their parents and I'm wondering: Should parenting be a right or a privilege? 

So - either I don't have a firm stance on how I feel about government control in our daily lives, or maybe your stance can vary depending on the issue.  Lets hope for the latter because otherwise I can't be in favor of testicle removal (is this even how you sterilize, what do i know?) and Burger King at the same time.  Hmm, maybe Burger King could fry the testicles up and serve 'em on the dollar menu (or is that McDonald's?).

Anyway, how much has government regulation really impacted MY life?

- The drinking age of 21 meant very little.  My friends and I are apparently smarter than the feds and easily got alcohol from ages 16 - 20 without a problem.  Can you say Margerie Brown, blond hair, blue eyes, 5' 2", 180 pounds from Long Island?  Well, my fake ID could.

- I don't go to playgrounds or McDonald's so it shouldn't bother me if Washington wants fast food chains away from where kids play.  I'd like to stay away from where kids play too - germs!

- Cell phones and driving?  Well in high school I almost went off the road just changing the radio station and some friends recommended I only change it at STOP signs (which they also told me were optional if white around the edges) - so since then I don't hold anything but the wheel. Oh, and I did realize they were teasing about the white edges thing - SEVERAL DAYS LATER!

- Gun control is a non-issue for me. I had my shirt on backwards for 2 hours yesterday before I realized it so I really should not have a gun in the house.

- A great many social services are paid with money earned by the rest of us!  Ooooh, don't even get me started.  Now we are on to a second reason for sterilization and . . .

I can't be bothered! 

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Fat Chance

Did you happen to listen to talk radio this past Saturday morning, where the topic was: the growing threat of significantly increased government control over our food?

Maybe you've read recent articles in city newspapers titled something like: "Government Needs to Regulate the Poison we Call Fast Food."

Perhaps you've seen headlines like this one over the last two years or more: Childhood Obesity Report Calls For Government Regulations to Limit Access to ‘Unhealthy’ Restaurant Chains.

Are they kidding?  Are they kidding even more to suggest that Americans are IN FAVOR of such government regulation?  We should puke right now, and not from the thought of McDonald's or Taco Bell in our neighborhoods, but from the idea that the GOVERNMENT would be involved in OUR decision about what to eat.  That's right - it is a DECISION every time we eat or drink.

"A newly released report by the Institute for Medicine and the National Research Council details strategies for local governments to combat what it calls an "epidemic of childhood obesity," including enacting zoning and land-use regulations that would restrict fast food establishments near school grounds and public playgrounds . . ."

Are they still kidding?  Why don't we just take away a little MORE of our own personal accountability?  I'm not a parent so I guess I was not aware that kids make their own money and are able to access fast food restaurants, unsupervised.    

Please please do not say that it is too hard to say no to them and those who don't have children don't understand. 

So, if a guy was selling crack on the corner outside Burger King and a kid told her mom that she just had to have the crack, that it tasted soooo good that one time, that all the other kids were having crack, that she saw it on a TV commercial and it had gotten even bigger and you get a toy with it now . . . parents would get them crack too? 

That's illegal - so I guess its different.  Maybe only illegal things are bad for us and our children. Well, McDonald's might soon be illegal too, so I guess that will settle that.

Yes, it is very challenging to make healthy CHOICES in a culture where delicious, relatively cheap food is so easily accessible.  For most of it - you don't even have to get out of your car.  It is not easy to resist this for so many reasons that to list them would be an entirely separate post - so let us just say that, like almost EVERYTHING else we do:  WHAT WE EAT IS A CHOICE! 

That's right, we have the choice of sitting in our cars every weekday morning and having a chocolate cream donut handed through the window at 7 a.m for about $3.75 a week or - getting a box of low sugar oatmeal that will last two work weeks and cost just $2.00.  For another 25 cents a day you can even put a banana in it, so there goes the idea that it is also too expensive to eat right! 

. . . and PS: just like McDonald's, gyms are on every corner as well and we don't have the "Overly Fit" epidemic do we?  No, because like eating - being active is a choice too.

Look - Uncle Sam is already in our wallets, our doctors' offices, our schools and so many more places where he probably does not belong.  We cannot be bothered having him in our kitchens too.  The food we put into our bodies and into those of our children needs to be determined by US - that's you and me - not the U.S.  Obesity is not the fault of fast food restaurants or candy bars at the checkout or lives that are too fast paced for healthy meals and regular exercise.  Obesity, with few exceptions, is our own damn fault and our government has no business fixing what we have the power to fix ourselves.  Lets not even get started on what a waste of our tax dollars that would be too.   Our money and other resources are already being spent in a lot of areas that set aside personal responsibility and we do not need to support that trend by offering up our food as well.  

If your weekly diet includes lunches of cheese burgers and milk shakes (so good) and dinners of chicken nuggets with fries (delicious), well then - own it!