Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Dumb Bitch!

Dumb bitch?  What?  You seriously just called me a dumb bitch!  Oh my God.

At first, I am embarrassed to admit, I got a little choked up when I saw you call me this.  That's right, I read your lips, mean man, and there is absolutely no doubt you looked me right in the eye and called me a dumb bitch after . . .

. . . I very, very, very tentatively inched my way around the end of a line of cars in the parking lot (as I swear I always do because I am obsessive about my car), when suddenly you came flying around the corner, but really DIDN'T COME ANYWHERE NEAR HITTING ME due to how cautious I was being. 

So why am I a dumb bitch?  Were you just mad because you didn't realize, until after hitting the breaks on your precious BMW, that I had been two steps ahead of you and ya hadn't really needed to slow down in the first place?  Did that make you feel stupid so you decided to take it out on me, the dumb bitch?  Shockingly, it really startled me and hurt my feelings, but . . . 

. . . that initial reaction quickly turned to a pure jolt of anger as you roared past me and I realized what a complete jack-hole you are, and that's why I followed you to the end of the parking lot, where I thought you were about to park, feeling compelled to let you know that I am in fact NOT a dumb bitch.  I can't believe I followed you, but I did.  However, there was never an opportunity to say anything because you turned around, gave me a strange look and headed right back out to the street.  Hmm, big fat scaredy-cat? 

I'm not really sure why you never parked, but its definitely a good thing.  I can't be bothered having confrontations with old crotchety men in parking lots.  Plus, the truth is you were probably having a bad day or you are just mean or something that really has nothing to do with me - so I'm over it.  

Nonetheless, I will leave you with a list of dumb bitches so you know for sure the next time you think you see one.

- Casey Anthony
- Susan Smith
- Andrea Yates
- Diane Downs
- Aileen Wuornos
- You

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Vote for Me for God!

Seriously, I'm thinking we should start holding elections for God.  I mean really, this one's body of work just isn't good, you have to admit, and we have probably given him long enough to get it right (like at least a few thousand years or something).  It seems like the right time to find someone who is better suited for the demands of this position.

Honestly, if Barak Obama had done even half of what God has done (or not done) we would impeach him tomorrow.  Poor Obama has an approval rating of something like 39% and all people think he's done is screw up health care and our economy . . . but God?  Well, just look at only a few examples of his work below.  How many of you would get to keep your jobs if these or similar events and people happened on your watch:

The Holocaust, World Wars, The Cuban Missile Crisis, AIDS, Cancer, 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, Assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr., The Great Depression, Slavery, Columbine, Charles Manson, Global Warming, Forest Fires, Floods, Drought, Famine . . . 

I'd go on, but really - I CAN'T BE BOTHERED.  If the above list does not convince you that God should be an elected position, I don't know what will.

So, cast your nominations. Who would make a good Universe Leader?  Here are some suggestions to get you started.

- Santa Clause (he can fly and has presents)
- Oprah (she's Oprah)
- Bill Gates (he totally knows stuff)
- Tom Hanks (nicest guy)
- Captain Sully (landed US air flight 1549 safely in the Hudson freakin river, I already think he IS God!)
- Charlie Sheen (tiger blood, winning)

One last thing: Lets really insist that the campaigns be only positive, no exceptions.  That seems the Godly thing to do.  I mean, can you imagine someone running for God and smearing an opponent?