Twenty-eight years ago a nine year old was riding in the passenger's seat of her mom's car (no doubt without a seat belt), off to who-knows-where on a cold December day.
Me: Mom, someone at school today told me there's no Santa.
Mom: Oh.
Me: So is it true? Is there no Santa?
Mom: Well . . .
Me: She said YOU are Santa, Mom. Are you Santa? Do you give us all those presents?
Long Pause
Me: (angrily) You ARE Santa, aren't you? You are!
Mom: Yes, honey, I am Santa, but I don't want you to tell your sisters, OK?
Me: I can't believe this. I can't believe there's no Santa.
Mom tries to explain, but I cut her off.
Me: Wait a minute. If you're Santa, then . . . NO! You're The Tooth Fairy too and the Easter Bunny?
Mom: Yes, honey, I'm them too.
Me: (starting to cry, still angry though) I can't believe this (but if I had known it then I surely would have said: "I can't be bothered with this!")
Mom: I'm sorry you're upset.
Me: I'm sorry you're a liar! Does Dad know about this?
Mom, probably trying not to laugh: Yes, he knows.
There is another long pause and then something terrifying occurs to me.
Me: Oh my God Mom. I mean . . . well, I guess I shouldn't say God because he's probably not real either. Are you God Mom? Are you God too?
Long Pause
Mom: Yes, I'm God too.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Heaven or Hell?
Caller on Catholic Radio:
Hi. I'm calling because I have a friend whose baby just died and she was told by a member of the catholic church that because she did not baptize the baby before her death, the baby would NOT go to heaven. Could this be true? And will the baby go to hell?
Me:
Stunned.
Waiting.
Holding my breath.
Standing in front of the mirror motionless, when I should be getting ready for work.
Catholic Radio Host:
Well, m'am, the teaching of the church is that we just do not know what happens to a baby who is not baptized before his/her death. We can't say for certain that this baby will go to heaven, but we do know that God wants us all to be saved and so we trust in the mercy of God.
Me:
Stunned.
Waiting.
Holding my breath.
Standing in front of the mirror motionless, when I should be getting ready for work.
Mercy? A baby needs God's mercy?
Now I'm wondering if they will give the phone number again so I can call and ask:
Hi. I'm calling because I have a friend whose baby just died and she was told by a member of the catholic church that because she did not baptize the baby before her death, the baby would NOT go to heaven. Could this be true? And will the baby go to hell?
Me:
Stunned.
Waiting.
Holding my breath.
Standing in front of the mirror motionless, when I should be getting ready for work.
Catholic Radio Host:
Well, m'am, the teaching of the church is that we just do not know what happens to a baby who is not baptized before his/her death. We can't say for certain that this baby will go to heaven, but we do know that God wants us all to be saved and so we trust in the mercy of God.
Me:
Stunned.
Waiting.
Holding my breath.
Standing in front of the mirror motionless, when I should be getting ready for work.
Mercy? A baby needs God's mercy?
Now I'm wondering if they will give the phone number again so I can call and ask:
Do you know for sure what happens to little boys and girls who are naughty? I mean - does Santa really have a list and will he really give all of their presents away to good little boys and girls?
They do give the number again, but I don't call. I can't be bothered with this insanity.
I wish I could say one quick thing to the mother who lost her baby though. I'd say:
I have a better idea about where your baby is. I bet she's right above where you carried her for nine months - She's in your heart! And . . . that is where she always will be if you don't let anyone tell you different.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
The Hiv
. . . had a routine exam done two weeks ago, as a standard procedure in applying for a life insurance policy. Before drawing my blood they asked that I sign a form authorizing this lab work to be tested for HIV. Of course, I signed the form and of course, like most of you, was thinking I have nothing to be worried about. My list of non-risky behavior includes, but is not limited to:
married
monogamous
not an IV drug user
never had a transfusion
Still, it bothered me to be expecting the results of this test. I guess it made me realize . . . you just never know. About a lot of things in life, you just never really know.
After a couple of days though, I forgot about the HIV test. Even when the results came, I still didn't remember it, as I leisurely opened the envelope and read results for bilirubin, cholesterol, glucose, etc. Then, there it was at the bottom of the list.
HIV - NEG
I was surprised to find myself relieved. About a lot of things in life, you just never really know.
One thing is for sure though, I can't be bothered with HIV!
married
monogamous
not an IV drug user
never had a transfusion
Still, it bothered me to be expecting the results of this test. I guess it made me realize . . . you just never know. About a lot of things in life, you just never really know.
After a couple of days though, I forgot about the HIV test. Even when the results came, I still didn't remember it, as I leisurely opened the envelope and read results for bilirubin, cholesterol, glucose, etc. Then, there it was at the bottom of the list.
HIV - NEG
I was surprised to find myself relieved. About a lot of things in life, you just never really know.
One thing is for sure though, I can't be bothered with HIV!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
FACE IT!
I jokingly complain a lot about frizzy hair and other imperfections and probably always will. The truth is though - some days it is not so funny. Some days we really feel like no matter what we do we can't quite look good enough and today was one of those days for me. Today was an "Oh my hair is freakin frizzy and hmmm, is that a few more fine lines I see on this not so glowing anymore face" kind of days.
Then, I came home to read this (below) on my cousin Jolene's facebook page:
In case you don't know, a majority of the ads and photos in Glamour magazine deal with botox, losing weight, wearing makeup . . . and are designed to coerce women into conforming to society's vision of femininity. However, towards the end of the magazine they have a memoir by Stephanie Nielson. Hypocritical? Or trying to be subversive? I'm not sure which...
I didn't understand, because I had not yet heard of Stephanie Nielson. I googled her name. This is what I found:
Then, I came home to read this (below) on my cousin Jolene's facebook page:
In case you don't know, a majority of the ads and photos in Glamour magazine deal with botox, losing weight, wearing makeup . . . and are designed to coerce women into conforming to society's vision of femininity. However, towards the end of the magazine they have a memoir by Stephanie Nielson. Hypocritical? Or trying to be subversive? I'm not sure which...
I didn't understand, because I had not yet heard of Stephanie Nielson. I googled her name. This is what I found:
Stephanie, Before Plane Crash
Stephanie, After Plane Crash That
Left her Entire Face and Body Burned
So no, now I CAN'T BE BOTHERED worrying about frizzy hair and inevitable laugh lines. This girl is beautiful and so are you and so is everyone else and you damn well better go take a look in the mirror and just be grateful.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Going Back
Sometimes, do you find yourself wanting to cry sad tears not happy ones, when you see your old friends walking down the aisle or celebrating anniversaries or finding great careers or driving nice cars or building their own houses or having kids who have 5th birthday parties . . . because it painfully reminds you of how much time has passed since the days when the most important things in your lives were just - EACH OTHER - and how you will never be able to go back, but sometimes you just really, really, really want to?
Ya, me neither. Who can be bothered with that crap?
Ya, me neither. Who can be bothered with that crap?
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Dumb Bitch!
Dumb bitch? What? You seriously just called me a dumb bitch! Oh my God.
At first, I am embarrassed to admit, I got a little choked up when I saw you call me this. That's right, I read your lips, mean man, and there is absolutely no doubt you looked me right in the eye and called me a dumb bitch after . . .
. . . I very, very, very tentatively inched my way around the end of a line of cars in the parking lot (as I swear I always do because I am obsessive about my car), when suddenly you came flying around the corner, but really DIDN'T COME ANYWHERE NEAR HITTING ME due to how cautious I was being.
So why am I a dumb bitch? Were you just mad because you didn't realize, until after hitting the breaks on your precious BMW, that I had been two steps ahead of you and ya hadn't really needed to slow down in the first place? Did that make you feel stupid so you decided to take it out on me, the dumb bitch? Shockingly, it really startled me and hurt my feelings, but . . .
. . . that initial reaction quickly turned to a pure jolt of anger as you roared past me and I realized what a complete jack-hole you are, and that's why I followed you to the end of the parking lot, where I thought you were about to park, feeling compelled to let you know that I am in fact NOT a dumb bitch. I can't believe I followed you, but I did. However, there was never an opportunity to say anything because you turned around, gave me a strange look and headed right back out to the street. Hmm, big fat scaredy-cat?
I'm not really sure why you never parked, but its definitely a good thing. I can't be bothered having confrontations with old crotchety men in parking lots. Plus, the truth is you were probably having a bad day or you are just mean or something that really has nothing to do with me - so I'm over it.
Nonetheless, I will leave you with a list of dumb bitches so you know for sure the next time you think you see one.
DUMB BITCH LIST:
- Casey Anthony
- Susan Smith
- Andrea Yates
- Diane Downs
- Aileen Wuornos
- You
At first, I am embarrassed to admit, I got a little choked up when I saw you call me this. That's right, I read your lips, mean man, and there is absolutely no doubt you looked me right in the eye and called me a dumb bitch after . . .
. . . I very, very, very tentatively inched my way around the end of a line of cars in the parking lot (as I swear I always do because I am obsessive about my car), when suddenly you came flying around the corner, but really DIDN'T COME ANYWHERE NEAR HITTING ME due to how cautious I was being.
So why am I a dumb bitch? Were you just mad because you didn't realize, until after hitting the breaks on your precious BMW, that I had been two steps ahead of you and ya hadn't really needed to slow down in the first place? Did that make you feel stupid so you decided to take it out on me, the dumb bitch? Shockingly, it really startled me and hurt my feelings, but . . .
. . . that initial reaction quickly turned to a pure jolt of anger as you roared past me and I realized what a complete jack-hole you are, and that's why I followed you to the end of the parking lot, where I thought you were about to park, feeling compelled to let you know that I am in fact NOT a dumb bitch. I can't believe I followed you, but I did. However, there was never an opportunity to say anything because you turned around, gave me a strange look and headed right back out to the street. Hmm, big fat scaredy-cat?
I'm not really sure why you never parked, but its definitely a good thing. I can't be bothered having confrontations with old crotchety men in parking lots. Plus, the truth is you were probably having a bad day or you are just mean or something that really has nothing to do with me - so I'm over it.
Nonetheless, I will leave you with a list of dumb bitches so you know for sure the next time you think you see one.
DUMB BITCH LIST:
- Casey Anthony
- Susan Smith
- Andrea Yates
- Diane Downs
- Aileen Wuornos
- You
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Vote for Me for God!
Seriously, I'm thinking we should start holding elections for God. I mean really, this one's body of work just isn't good, you have to admit, and we have probably given him long enough to get it right (like at least a few thousand years or something). It seems like the right time to find someone who is better suited for the demands of this position.
Honestly, if Barak Obama had done even half of what God has done (or not done) we would impeach him tomorrow. Poor Obama has an approval rating of something like 39% and all people think he's done is screw up health care and our economy . . . but God? Well, just look at only a few examples of his work below. How many of you would get to keep your jobs if these or similar events and people happened on your watch:
The Holocaust, World Wars, The Cuban Missile Crisis, AIDS, Cancer, 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, Assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr., The Great Depression, Slavery, Columbine, Charles Manson, Global Warming, Forest Fires, Floods, Drought, Famine . . .
I'd go on, but really - I CAN'T BE BOTHERED. If the above list does not convince you that God should be an elected position, I don't know what will.
So, cast your nominations. Who would make a good Universe Leader? Here are some suggestions to get you started.
- Santa Clause (he can fly and has presents)
- Oprah (she's Oprah)
- Bill Gates (he totally knows stuff)
- Tom Hanks (nicest guy)
- Captain Sully (landed US air flight 1549 safely in the Hudson freakin river, I already think he IS God!)
- Charlie Sheen (tiger blood, winning)
One last thing: Lets really insist that the campaigns be only positive, no exceptions. That seems the Godly thing to do. I mean, can you imagine someone running for God and smearing an opponent?
Honestly, if Barak Obama had done even half of what God has done (or not done) we would impeach him tomorrow. Poor Obama has an approval rating of something like 39% and all people think he's done is screw up health care and our economy . . . but God? Well, just look at only a few examples of his work below. How many of you would get to keep your jobs if these or similar events and people happened on your watch:
The Holocaust, World Wars, The Cuban Missile Crisis, AIDS, Cancer, 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, Assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr., The Great Depression, Slavery, Columbine, Charles Manson, Global Warming, Forest Fires, Floods, Drought, Famine . . .
I'd go on, but really - I CAN'T BE BOTHERED. If the above list does not convince you that God should be an elected position, I don't know what will.
So, cast your nominations. Who would make a good Universe Leader? Here are some suggestions to get you started.
- Santa Clause (he can fly and has presents)
- Oprah (she's Oprah)
- Bill Gates (he totally knows stuff)
- Tom Hanks (nicest guy)
- Captain Sully (landed US air flight 1549 safely in the Hudson freakin river, I already think he IS God!)
- Charlie Sheen (tiger blood, winning)
One last thing: Lets really insist that the campaigns be only positive, no exceptions. That seems the Godly thing to do. I mean, can you imagine someone running for God and smearing an opponent?
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